deucespruce

February 15th

2012-02-15T06:05:00.006-05:00

A day late, I give you Stuff I Love...since Valentine's Day was this week and everything.

Full Moons. This one was the Wolf Moon, last week. I can't help but grin when I look up, or out the car window, and see that silvery orb...for me, it's a reminder of how small I am, how infinite this universe we live in truly is. [The sometimes unfortunate side effect of a full moon is that people are a bit, well, crazy each month. I've seen it; the weirdos are out in full force when the night sky is bright as day, wreaking havoc.]
My napkins. I'd like to say that I love these because they're eco-conscious, but that's just a happy side benefit. I love them because they're beautiful, and because using cloth napkins makes everyday meals feel like Events. I used to skip a lot of lunches at work, and strangely enough the one thing that helped in terms of slowing my days down for just a brief time was bringing a real napkin and utensils. Does that seem odd? Maybe it is. But it works, and I don't skip lunch anymore. Plus...some were made especially for me, and I love them best of all.
Baking bread. There is so much to love about this...it's a different experience each week, and I look forward to it for so many reasons. How will the yeast behave today? Will the rise take forever, like it did this past Sunday? I am eager to get my hands into the mixture of flours and yeast and water, to bring the shaggy bits into a smooth, cohesive, beautiful ball of potential. Often, I find that I have to restrain myself where the kneading is concerned- I can get carried away with the soothing repetitive motions and overaerate the dough before I know it. And the smell......let's just all stay home and bake today, okay?
My weekly whiteboard. I bought this right after the new year, because I felt like our weekday life was disorganized and spinning out of control. New year, new organization. Right? Well...yes. My house is still a mess. You'll still find piles of books, magazines and drawings all over the coffee table. The kitchen table despite my best efforts is still a catch-all for god only knows what that needs to be cleared every time anyone other than the three of us has dinner here. Charlotte still hangs on to every shred of paper that comes home from school with a tenacity that can only be inherited (thanks, Dad!). But! We know who is going where, and when...when Kaity will be here with Charlotte after school...what's coming the next weekend...I still feel like the Monday through Friday moves too fast, but at least I know which direction the Tilt-a-Whirl is headed.

More tomorrow, hopefully....I've had this post, and a few others, puttering around in my head for a while.

The battle of the bulge, redux (don't call it a comeback)

2011-09-17T10:33:00.002-04:00

I'm back, and am prepared for full disclosure....in less than two months I will be 37 years old. I am 5 feet, 4 inches tall, and weigh 180 pounds. And I am 35 (40?) pounds overweight. I've had so many epiphanies about my health in the past two years that they can hardly be called epiphanies. I've had false starts with exercise, eliminated carbs, stopped drinking, and so on and so on. There are reasons and reasons for this, but I'm focused on looking forward at this point.

I really feel as though I am poised on the brink of something. There are changes for the better lurking around the corner, hiding shyly in the shadows, and I just need to be brave enough to meet them, to introduce myself. I want to record it all- every trip to the gym I don't want to make, the sore knees, the soul-searching, the job hunting, the ways in which I push back against the hamster wheel to carve out what *I* want out of this life of mine.

To begin....I started out on a good stretch of exercise, for me. Last Wednesday and Thursday, I did 1/2 hour of cardio (elliptical on Wed., treadmill on Thurs.) right after work. I slept well, drank lots of water, and avoided the scale. (Let's not torture ourselves any more than we're due, right? Right.) Took a day off on Friday, and figured I'd take a couple of classes over the weekend.

Was the beginner level step class fun? Absolutely. And honestly, rather than feeling defeated by the fact that women 20 years older than me were rocking it while I struggled, I let that buoy me up: they can do it! they try! I can try too! Afterwards, I got a high five from one of them and felt amazing, although sore. I accomplished something....then I went for a swim and lounged by the pool for a bit.

Then there was Sunday. Two thoughts about the Bosu class:

I am carrying around wayyyyy too much weight. I wish I could temporarily remove it while I work out, then put it back on like the lead apron it is.
Bosu might not be the best idea for people who have problems with their knees.

Ouch. By Monday, I was hobbling. I persevered- cardio Monday before picking Charlotte up at afterschool, and I actually felt better- but by Tuesday I was just worn out.

Nothing went according to plan Tuesday. I got to the gym after work, and in the cardio room I managed to pick a wonky treadmill. Although I tried to focus on the running/walking and the music, I kept getting distracted by the TVs, and paying more attention to the utterly ridiculous Michelle Bachman than my workout. And I kept getting static electricity zaps. AND one of the gym employees was washing equipment down with a bucket of what smelled like Murphy's Oil Soap right next to me.

By the time I got home, I was in tears, and couldn't really explain why. I had a bowl of cereal and some water and went sadly to bed.

I did some thinking before heading to work Wednesday, and remembered reading Anne Lamott's description in one of her books (Plan B? Grace (Eventually)?) of how she began to evolve her perceptions and opinion of her own body...she writes about treating her thighs, a least favorite area, as revered old "aunties" instead of cursing them for what they are not. I thought about that a lot, about having reverence for my own physical self, and working to make that self stronger out of that reverence and not some weird self-loathing. I talked to a friend midday who reminded me of how hard I work, and that there is time, time, always time. Time to work on it, time to take for myself. Time, the one thing I never feel I have enough of. She's a wise woman, my friend, and I am lucky to have her.

I need to be as patient with myself as I am with everyone and everything else.

I've taken some time off from the gym at the end of this week. Instead, I went to a Daisy parent meeting with Charlotte, did some shopping, and spent some time catching up with friends at a party last night. I scrapped the plan to hit step class in favor of sleep and vegging out this morning, and for once I don't feel guilty. There is tomorrow.

Soon: my adventures in personal training, gluten-free baking, and trying not to hate on pictures of myself.

Bird bones

2011-03-23T06:15:00.012-04:00

Despite Sunday, I got back on the treadmill yesterday. It's never going to get easier if I don't keep trying, right? And it was definitely much better than the last time, although I still needed to elevate and ice my shins, ankles and right knee afterward. I have some persisting soreness/achiness, similar to Sunday.

I was talking to Beth about the "bad run", and it occurred to me: I have these teeny little bird bones. There are children with bigger wrists than mine! So the bird bones are supporting all this extra weight, poor things. No wonder they hurt. I will help them by eating more cheese. Wait, no....

Today is a day off, which is a relief. I'm starting to think that the amount of ibuprofen that I consume cannot be a good thing, so I'm going to try to muddle through without it today. Tomorrow I'm going to brace my knee and see if that helps- maybe my gait is off because I'm protecting the knee.

In other news, I'm currently procrastinating. I have an immense list of Stuff To Do today, both on the homefront and at work. I should be getting dressed. Guess where I am instead? Here's a hint: it begins with a C and ends with an H, and there's coffee. Those beautiful days last week really got me excited for spring....and now there is cold and wet snow and that chilly damp that gets into your bird bones.

I did laugh, watching it snow sideways out my office window the other day. Flipping New England.

Friday: lunch and downtown with the girl....and playing outside

Yesterday, waiting for the bus

...in which I face off against the extra 25 and my rut in the couch

2011-03-20T11:22:00.002-04:00

I've started that couch-to-5K program. Well, I've started it twice. My first attempt was fine until I sidelined myself for a week with some weird leg swelling thing. After babying my ankle for a couple of days and realizing that I didn't feel better, and after talking to some runners, I figured I was dealing with shin splints.

Okay, so this was discouraging on a couple of levels. First, I had to take some time off. Had to. I had swelling in my calf the likes of which I haven't seen since I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with Charlotte (not 9 months; I was much more swollen than that then). AND it hurt to walk.

Here's the other thing: has it really been so long since I've run regularly that I don't recognize shin splints? Damn.

A week (maybe more like 10 days?) off. Friday on the treadmill was painful, but just because I was sort out of practice...the first week of this plan is intervals of 60 seconds jogging and 90 seconds walking. Now, I hate the treadmill. I had convinced myself that the treadmill was to blame for the leg, that if I could just get off the revolving belt of DOOM, it would be easier.

I woke up this morning at my usual spoiled-girl-weekend hour of 8:00. The sky is that brilliant blue that you only get when the sun is shining, and it's the first day of spring! Why not get outside?

Because pavement is evil, that's why.

I decided to do the loop, which is about 2 miles. I figured that once I got through my 20 minutes of intervals I could walk the rest of the way home. It would be great! I would see birds, feel the sunshine on my face and breathe fresh air....

About 10 minutes in, the pain in my legs was just awful. My right knee, the one I sprained in high school track, ached with every step. I pushed further, egging myself on...childbirth hurts worse than this...nothing worth doing is easy....you can totally do this...listening to one of my high-energy iPod playlists.

Finally, cursing Ian Astbury for mocking me and cursing me for putting Fire Woman on the iPod in the first place, I figured I shouldn't hurt myself again. I could just walk! yeah. I'd be home in no time. What's a mile, really?

By the time I made it back here (wishing that there was a way I could crawl on my hands and knees), there were five things I needed. I couldn't decide which to go after first:

the bathroom
ice
water
advil
stretching

I got all the things on my list, plus a banana, and felt a bit better. I made breakfast, and as I ate my homemade toast, I thought about the things I do that are challenging, and that I haven't always been able to do. Things like baking bread, and knitting, and writing.

I might not be ready for the road yet, but I'll be back on the hamster wheel the day after tomorrow. And maybe I'll be ready to run a 5K by May 7th, and maybe I won't. But trying is far better than hiding under my blanket on the couch and wishing I felt better.

Two bridges, two days

2010-12-09T21:02:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I was driving to work and thinking about the state of things and my situation there. I was on the Little Bay Bridge, and glanced out the window toward where men and equipment are dismantling the old bridge. There are the old supports, rusty and oxidized, the beaten and broken-down pavement, and then......nothing. Open space. A drop to the river below. It struck me that that is exactly where I'm headed at work, that there's really no way to the other side from here.

I have no interest in building an Acme Ramp Kit and trying to sail across the gap like some harried old Wile E. Coyote. I have no confidence that it would be worth it. It's absolutely time to move on.

On my good days, I'm angry and motivated. On my bad days I only want to curl up in a ball and drink wine because I am terrified- TERRIFIED- of finally making some decisions.

No one ever said that what we want and what we need are easy things to attain.

But today....having crossed the big bridge, Charlotte and I made our way home on Route 4. Driving over the Scammell, the sky fiery orange and deep blue, the crescent moon smiling at us, Charlotte singing "Happy Christmas" along with John Lennon...things were just right.

More 5 Random Things!

2010-11-30T23:50:00.003-05:00

I was in the car at 10:10 am, and at 10:10 pm.
My counterparts at the other sites and I have been summoned to the college president's office tomorrow. I've been imagining walking through the halls on our way there while the Imperial March plays.
New fuzzy pajama pants, a blueberry muffin from the Gingerbread Construction Company and chamomile tea have made me very happy in the last hour.
Weezer is in Boston in two weeks. That would have been fun...
It's very late again. Silly mind, go to sleep!

November, I thought we were friends

2010-11-29T21:19:00.003-05:00

Pete: I brought you a bottle of wine.....

Me (holding an open beer): Oh, good, thank you. (*thinks*: oh good, I will drink that too.)

Turns out that "what tomorrow will bring" can only be described as a flaming bag of no-THANK-you. Boss gives notice + heightened fight or flight + situation where I should have kept my fool mouth shut = ughhhhh. No permanent damage done, but I see the writing on the wall. It just appears to be giving me the finger, that's all.

This has been quite a month. Lots of great moments, but kind of a cosmic kick in the head in some respects. I say that because as I've navigated the stressful stuff and upheld the balancing act, I've had the overwhelming feeling that I'm being shaken. "Hey! Psst! Hey YOU! You're on the wrong path, kid..." This might sound like I think the universe is punishing me for roads not taken, and I really really don't mean that. It's just that I feel nudged to look around me, to look within.

Anyway. Here are some things that lifted my spirits a bit today:

Joy the Baker. I love the beautiful kale and sweet potato soup pics, and the teeny kitten! There are also some beautiful aprons under her November giveaway, at least today there are. (PamWares on etsy).

The Bloggess. She writes. She's funny. When I go where the bad people go, and am sitting front row center with certain of my friends, I bet she'll be up on stage. Ha.

This post on Food Network Humor. I could absolutely be a Shredded Cheese Authority. I'm going to look for that job, as soon as I dust off my sadly outdated resume.

And this little person, who was so sweet to Bad Day Mama, didn't mind grilled cheese for dinner, and gave cuddles on the couch and during story time.

Late night, should be sleeping

2010-11-28T23:11:00.003-05:00

Not sure why I'm still awake...maybe just inertia. Going to bed means getting off the couch. It also means that before 6 am tomorrow it all starts again, and I am just not ready.

Five days off is good stuff. Let's see what tomorrow brings.

We saw Santa...

2010-11-27T21:24:00.002-05:00

...and she was almost too shy to tell him what she wanted. Sweet girl.

Black Friday, except it really wasn't

2010-11-26T21:13:00.004-05:00

Today I only got out of my jammies at around 4 pm, and that was because it was too cold to wear them to the grocery store. We needed milk, and I figured if I picked up a few select items we could get through tomorrow and do the usual weekly run on Sunday. Cleverrrr. And after dinner I put those pajamas right back on. Oh yeah. Living the high life here.

We watched movies (AstroBoy and Charlie & the Chocolate Factory) and hung out on the couch, but I also squared away some prep stuff for the Christmas knitting. I dug out needles, printed patterns, cleared space in my bag, and wound hanks of beautiful wool into nice neat little yarn cakes. Ahhh.

My only triumph of parenting for the day was making sure Charlotte had a shower, put on a clean nightgown, and brushed her teeth before bed. I am a rockstar!

I shopped a bit online, only really because I found a couple of decent deals and got free shipping at one place. One of my friends updated fb repeatedly with her whereabouts throughout the morning....and I must confess I did sort of chortle to myself as I drank a nice cup of coffee and made myself a frittata (garlic, grape tomatoes, arugula and cheese). In my jammies.

I just can't see leaving the warm flannel of my nest to go shopping in the wee small hours. But hey, whatever works for people....the ones out at 4 am today will doubtless be pleased with themselves when people like me are still working on finding/finishing/wrapping gifts on December 22nd. Ah well.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T22:34:00.001-05:00

My mother-in-law, Mona, has been gone for eight years now. It's been nine years since that last Thanksgiving, where we crowded around the dining room table, before kids, and were a family celebrating a holiday with some weight.

And I think that one of the final gifts she left us is that we were forced to be responsible for our family. If we wanted to have a holiday, we needed to figure out the food and the place and the time. If we wanted to be a family, well, we needed to step up and be there. There was no waiting for Mom to plan Thanksgiving, or going back home for Christmas because she was there. And we've built our family, all of us, day by day, both the holidays and the ordinary days...the days where we all just mesh and the days where we just disagree.

I think she's proud of us. I felt that today.

Blessed are the piemakers

2010-11-24T22:30:00.007-05:00

Anyone out there with perfect crust, know that I have crust envy. I am willing to learn at the knee of anyone who can teach me before I need pie again! Martha- meh. Bittman (which I attempted today)- the balance of too-dry-to-stay-together and omg LOOK at all that freaking gluten I developed! is too difficult. Crust with vinegar, I couldn't bring myself to do....and although the Cook's Illustrated crust with vodka was a fine idea, I only have Stoli Razberi and Absolut Peppar in my house (what is wrong with me?).

Anyway. I think these pies are good. I hope. See 'em and weep. I figure if the crust is awful then at least the filling is sound!

Maple Bourbon Pecan, pre-baking. That crust is suspect, don't trust it for a second.
And after. See? you turn your back, that crust will sneak into the filling and steal your purse.
Same crust recipe, slightly better result. This one's pumpkin....with errant pumpkin puree spots. The pie has freckles....but hey, so do some of my favorite people.
S'more pie. My other pie plate is packed with the Christmas decorations up over the barn, so it got a springform to call home. It will get its marshmallow topping tomorrow, and a kitchen-torching before we eat it. Fire! Fire! heh heh heh.
I am psyched for tomorrow- family and food AND the knowledge that there are still three days left of the loooong weekend after. Brilliant.

No complaints, redux

2010-11-23T21:18:00.003-05:00

In the wake of the past week, and my frustration at trying unsuccessfully to balance home and work (home WON), I lost my grip on the string of No Complaints, and watched it go sailing into the sky. I've had a few days where I recognized where I was going and resisted, but then broke the chain with one grouchy afternoon here, a bad day at work there...

Attempt #3, then. It seems like auspicious timing, during this week of Thanksgiving and the week after averting possible disaster, to remember how lucky I am and to truly to focus my energy on the positive and not on fruitless complaints.

I am continuing to learn how to face situations that need to change without venting, but also without passively absorbing whatever comes my way. I guess what I'm saying is that there are ways to voice dissent or dissatisfaction without whining, complaining or creating negative energy. I am trying to practice different and better responses, ones that put more positive out into the world....without losing who I am. Which, to be honest? is sometimes snarky, often sarcastic, and not interested in keeping silent simply to keep the peace, when sometimes there are things that need to be said.

So tomorrow, which is November 24th, is Day 1. Again. Right now? Not much to complain about. Jammies, wine, cooking shows on DVR, new magazine...and tomorrow I get to bake for my family and work on some holiday knitting (and even finish a couple of gifts!) and just do one thing at a time. I am a lucky girl.

5 Things I'm Doing

2010-11-22T22:24:00.002-05:00

Watching The Venture Bros.
Inhaling the scent of an apple pie we can't eat (it will go to a work potluck tomorrow).
Kind of wishing I could turn out more perfect pies more consistently.
Finally picking up my drink again after all the ice has melted.
Thinking that there maybe should be more hours in a day. Except knowing me, I'd likely just use them for more sleep instead of something good. Although sleep is good.

Sunday, Sunday

2010-11-21T22:19:00.005-05:00

Today was so busy, but fun...planning for pie-baking later this week, installing flannel sheets, guerilla Sunday-before-Thanksgiving grocery shopping with the girl, and cooking the first meal from my new cookbook for friends. Sadly, no pics of Spicy New England Pot Roast, Ismail Merchant's Pureed Spinach or roasted potaotes, but they were yummy.

And now I am watching recorded episodes of The French Chef: "How to Roast a Turkey." I love Julia Child.

November 20th

2010-11-20T22:37:00.006-05:00

It was a really good day.

Pete at the Jingle Bell 10K
Happy.
Nason kids watching wood-fired pizza cook
O on the move...tried to make a break for it, but we brought him back.
So grown up I have to catch my breath

Princess Aunt Lori

Catboy at home

2010-11-19T21:20:00.003-05:00

Eat, kitty, eat. Whoever heard of a skinny Jimmy?
(Mrs. Claus, Rankin-Bass' Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)

Be here now

2010-11-18T20:57:00.001-05:00

Today started with a bit of freaking out, as the catboy didn't really eat at all last night and was hiding under an end table this morning while I hunted for him. After sharing all of this with one of the vet techs when I dropped him off, I drove away, worrying, a bit teary.

I won't say that I tried not to worry today, because there is no not worrying in this situation. But I tried to stay in the moment, mindful. I can be upset, worried, fearful. I can be there, feel that, and then move on. I made my way through the day, and when the OD called with news, although I was steeled for whatever might come, I was as pleasantly surprised as she was, and so grateful.

Jimmy has made a most amazing recovery. This is not to say that he is all better, but that in a few short days, his levels are dropping, his small furry body responding to treatment. The OD said that he was bright-eyed, responsive, curious. She said that although some of those things are subjective, that the objective factors bear out his recovery. Mind you, we have a long road of medication and watching to be sure he eats....follow up labs and twice-yearly exams until we see what the new normal will be for him. But. He is here. He is still here.

I got him home, and felt sort of weird about leaving again to keep a hair appointment. I'm glad I did; some time away from work and home and caring for sick kitty was much needed and so good. I sat in the massage-y chair for my shampoo. I had wine and chatted with the stylist, who is someone I saw regularly for pedis last year and who I really enjoy. When I left, my head felt lighter, but not for loss of hair.

So my "here, now": couch. Wine and chocolate. Snoozy cat on one side of me, snoozy man on the other. Headache numbed a bit and only tomorrow left to the workweek. We might not even have to go to the vet tomorrow....but if we do, our Jimmy will spend one more day with his fan club (which has quite the membership; everyone loves that boy!). Either way, it's another day where we'll all put our feet on the floor, whether we have two or four of them.

Cat delivery service.

2010-11-17T21:39:00.003-05:00

It occurred to me as I drove to the animal hospital this morning that it would be the 5th round trip from here-ish (including my office) to there in two days. And I thought, "am I crazy? Is this beyond what normal people would do for their cat?"

And then I remembered: I don't care. Jimmy is my friend and I love him and this is what I think is right.

I dropped Jimmy off at the direction of the Best Vet Ever, who had given me hope and encouragement yesterday afternoon when we spoke, noting that some of the bad bloodwork numbers were dropping (good) and that he had perked up (also good). We took him home last night, with his port still intact, to give him loves and get him to eat and basically try to have some normalcy ("There's that word again...I don't think it means what you think it means."). The BVE also managed his pain- thank you!- and made sure to give him one more dose before sending him home with us. Today we were to bring him back, for more IV fluids and antibiotics.

I had been feeling pretty good about his progress, until I called this afternoon and spoke with, well, not the Best Vet Ever, but the Other Doctor. The Other Doctor was full of doom and gloom, of dire predictions of permanent damage (the BVE had said she really felt there would be minimal permanent damage) and faulty phosphorus absorption....medications...mix this one with food, this one with water....not eating is problematic....no, she has no idea why such-and-such is happening and frankly she's not concerned about it.

I get the suspicion that the Other Doctor is one of those people who works with animals because she doesn't like dealing with people and isn't particularly good at it.

And tonight he is not as perky, hasn't eaten. He's still really so so sick, thin. He seems angry and tired, neither of which is surprising. He's, um, incontinent. He's happy to be home for sure, and maybe will eat and drink when no one is looking later. Tomorrow he goes back again for one more test, and possibly more fluids. They tell me that often with kidney disease (which is how the OD is referring to this) the third day on IV fluids is the turning point. Alright, turning point, yes please. We can getz betr? okthx.

Poor Catboy.

2010-11-16T13:32:00.004-05:00

(napping Jimmy)
Our boy is at the vet's office right now, undergoing treatment for failing kidneys. His doctor, the Best Vet Ever (no joke, she is amazing), thinks that he could have a kidney infection....or it might be something worse.

Jimmy had seemed to be his usual self lately, but was sick to his stomach more often than hairball-normal on Saturday. Hmm. Then on Sunday, he had some incontinence issues and was not eating or drinking much. Okay, something's wrong. I spent a good portion of the evening trying to cajole him into at least drinking some water. Let's be honest: at 11:30 I was on the floor with him, trying to give him fluid with a baby medicine dropper.

Yesterday was one of those Goodfellas days where I ran from place to place at warp speed, hearing Harry Nilsson in my head, jumpy and looking over my shoulder for helicopters. Check on sick cat. Email boss. Get kidlet ready for school. Call vet. Kidlet on bus. Sick and crying cat to vet. Me to work. Phone calls to vet, husband, vet, husband, boss. Pick up better? cat. Pick up kidlet just before afterschool late pickup. Home. Give urine-covered cat a bath. Feed kidlet. Cajole (damp, but no longer dripping) cat into eating and drinking. And so on....

The diagnosis yesterday had been a UTI. After subcutaneous fluid and antibiotic and vitamin B shots, he really had perked up a bit. We came home with a 10 day supply of another antibiotic (pills, yikes) and with instructions for me to make sure he eats, otherwise they would recommend syringe feeding. Although his bloodwork was back and showed elevated white cells and leukocytes (duh), the more comprehensive stuff for liver and kidney and pancreatic function would not be in until today.

This morning, he was happy and purring, eating, drinking his water, interacting with Pepper.

Then I got a phone call.

I was driving. Of COURSE.

The Best Vet Ever proceeds to tell me that my improving! cat is critically ill. That the improvements are temporary, and that he needs IV fluids and antibiotics. NOW.

So I change directions, head back. More phone calls. When I come to pick him up, Jimmy doesn't resist. He knows he's sick. He knows where I'm taking him.

As I drive to the vet, I try not to think about Frances.

When I talked to my friend/boss Shaman today, he told me that I need to "go in there hopeful, Lor, but you need to try to prepare yourself for the worst." To a degree, he's right. When we determined that Frances could not be cured, that her quality of life would never be the same, I was blindsided.

Still.

I feel guilty, because this kitty was sick for some time before we saw the distress signals. One of the vets pointed out that, "if it were you or me, and we were this sick, we would have seen a doctor ten days ago." She wasn't being judgy; she followed it up with the observation that animals, particularly cats, are biologically programmed to conceal their weaknesses.

Okay. So some perspective.

He is young, and strong. Short of the hairball horking, he doesn't get sick. This could be a very very bad infection, and the right care could do the trick. He's in the right place to get the right care.

And if it's something worse? Well, he got to come home last night, where he was loved and fussed over and he and I curled up together on the couch and snoozed.

Good thoughts, please...

Questions

2010-11-15T22:02:00.003-05:00

Charlotte: Mommy. What would happen if you went trick-or-treating in December? Would they still have to give you candy?

Me: Well, people most likely wouldn't be expecting you, since really no one is trick-or-treating then.

C: But would they give you something anyway?

Me: I think you would only get what people could find in their houses to give you. You'd probably end up with Brillo pads and Grape-Nuts.

C: What's a Grape-Nut?

Birthday

2010-11-14T21:30:00.012-05:00

Today was full of lots of my favorite things:

sleeping in
lovely birthday gifts (including The Essential New York Times Cookbook...woot!)
chatting with my mom
grocery store evasion (I love my husband)
shoe shopping
buying yarn
good wine
baking
a fantastic dinner (have I mentioned I love my husband?)
family time

Pete in the kitchen: pan-seared scallops served over white bean puree, with kale and chorizo and pine nut/shallot/raisin gremolata. Oh my.

I made a devil's food cake with vanilla-orange buttercream...the cake is from Sweet Maria's Cake Kitchen and the frosting is Grandma's buttercream with a bit of orange extract added with the vanilla.

Ahhh.

Today I...

2010-11-13T15:55:00.007-05:00

...slept in until 8. Yay!

...attempted to take Charlotte on a birthday party marathon. Left South Berwick at 1:40 + drive to Newington + Chuck E. Cheese party ended at 2:00 = FAIL.

...bought my very first flatiron. Let's hope I am more successful at not burning my head than I was when I used a curling iron regularly (circa 1990).

...noticed that Pepper sort of resembles Henrietta Pussycat.
...found out that a guy who looked like a cross between Hagrid and Dog the Bounty Hunter (Pete's description) spotted our old broken washer behind the barn, loaded it up and took it away to sell for scrap metal.

...might have figured out what I'll be knitting for the next month or so. ::shifty::

...get to go out to dinner with the girlie and the man. I love my birthday, and that celebrating it takes more than one day.

No complaints. As it turns out, not that easy.

2010-11-12T22:24:00.002-05:00

I've been in a bit of a funk this week, not least because I made it 7 days before breaking my rule on Tuesday and Wednesday. I was at work, got bogged down and overwhelmed, and since it's so easy to do there (hey, everyone else is doing it), I just couldn't stop it. I found the whiny words bubbling up in my soured brain and tumbling out of my mouth....and was just really disappointed that I could only go a week.

But yesterday was a new day, away from the things that were bugging me, and it was much better. There was really nothing to complain about. I felt like myself again.

So I guess today is Day 2. New start, new count. I still think I can make it 28 days.

Highlights

2010-11-11T20:48:00.007-05:00

We had a day off today, which included prolonged lounging on the couch in jammies...and knitting...
(including some while Charlotte read to me!)

We listened to music- Wilco and the Verve and Monk....and did some laundry...and we worked on decorating the turkey that is her current homework assignment:
We went out for a while...and came back to finish the turkey project and make dinner:
"Mmm, bones!"

Of course, I was busy roasting potatoes and pork chops, steaming green beans and making apple pudding. I didn't exactly see what she was up to...
...Vegas showgirl turkey.

Rhinoceros

2010-11-10T21:29:00.005-05:00

Trying to find serenity today has been like wrestling a greased pig. Oh, I can try to grab it, but it runs off in a wake of "squee! squee!" and I stare after it, slack-jawed and dumbfounded.

I heard this on the radio and was instantly brought back into the head of a person I used to be, all jangling guitars and nerves and quickened pulse. It's strange and amazing: music as time machine, as transport...the rush of those feelings of love and longing and fumbling with identity, the sudden flood of how it was to be that girl, to walk in those boots.

Certain music has a hardwired, visceral response for me, pulls me from my fog and forces me to open my eyes. In this season of growing gray and dark, I have to invite music and light and life in.

Greedy yarn hands (bigger than time available)

2010-11-09T08:23:00.004-05:00

We've entered the time of year where I get crazy ideas in my head. I start poring over my magazines and books, surfing Ravelry and collecting patterns and thoughts of making and giving. This is a wonderful thing; I love seeing my peeps decked out in handknits made by me. I do tend to lose sight of the fact that I can't knit at work, and that I need to accomplish other things besides knitting between now and Christmas. I always bite off more than I can chew (which I hear is a somewhat common phenomenon with knitters just before the holidays) and am left scrambling for gifts or staying up all night, squinting by the Christmas lights.

Well not this year.

I am almost done with my current project (a late birthday gift, ahem), which frees me up to begin the holiday goodness on or around November 11th. AND I have the unexpected windfall of 49 balls of yarn that a fellow jeep club wife scarfed up and delivered to me via Mr. Loud. All that yarn! It ranges from fine gauge raw silk to 100% wool DK in blue and dark green and rose and gray.... And then there's my stash, most of which was acquired with a specific idea in mind, but that's the beauty. It's unformed clay. It could become anything. I love all that potential.

So, some ideas. (I leave the recipients' names out, for obvious reasons.)

Turn A Square. I've made 3 of these; I could make more! The color possibilities are endless.

Calorimetry. I made mine with The Fibre Company's Road to China and it's so soft and warm...I can think of at least one person who might like one.

Hats for kids. I love the Fish Hat! There are great hats in Handknit Holidays as well, including the Candy Cane Hat (again with the color possibilities) and the Elf Cap.

I also love these gift bags...and the felted trivets...and these slippers!

And then there are cowls and scarves and and and!

Well. I've now succeeded in deflating any motivation I might have had to go to work....

Not all that profound

2010-11-08T21:07:00.002-05:00

Kind of a low day today. I didn't have a lot of energy or motivation, and just wasn't feeling being at work. Not complaining took some effort. I left Portsmouth feeling drained, subdued by the gray and damp, and wishing for pjs and a pizza and my bed.

But....I picked the Lou up and met Sri and O at the house. We made a simple dinner and had a good visit, even if a short one. And playing with my silly nephew and even sillier daughter on the couch, being attacked by pillows and tickling whichever skinny riblets I could find to the tune of shrieks and giggles....I realized that maybe I wasn't that tired after all.

It's all about the food

2010-11-07T10:46:00.011-05:00

We had dinner last night at 106 Kitchen & Bar, which was really good luck since a. we didn't have a reservation and b. it is Portsmouth Restaurant Week. We both ordered from the special Restaurant Week prix fixee menu and it was amazing.

Pete had a Dogfish Head IPA- the 60 Minute, I think. I had a lemon ginger martini. Mmm. [Of course I took pictures of it. See how devoted I am to the month of blogging?]
Pete had a crab and fried green tomato napoleon for his starter, I got the baby green/roasted beet salad with blood orange vinaigrette.
Second course....pork osso buco for Pete, seafood gumbo for me. The food was good enough that we forced each other to try our dinners; I would also like to point out that I love my husband enough that I gave him one of the oysters.
There were two choices for dessert, and we both went for the white chocolate/blueberry bread pudding with ice cream and whipped cream. So good. Afterward I really thought Pete was going to have to roll me out of there like Violet Beauregard.
Great dinner, followed by a good walk through Market Square, window shopping and browsing through RiverRun Books....ahhh. Happy early birthday to us.

Now. The season of baking is upon us, or will be shortly. I need to plot the holiday baking this year, since I don't have the luxury of days upon days off before Christmas...so I'm gathering recipes and foisting baked test items upon unsuspecting family and friends. Today is Chewy Ginger Chocolate Cookies. Oh my.

Baking is infinitely more fun than work. Time off to make messes makes me happy.

Bottle cap wisdom and other stuff

2010-11-06T15:59:00.007-04:00

From the underneath of a Magic Hat cap:
Stare at the sky if you wonder why

Also, but slightly less profound:
Fear Bad Beer

This child of mine is building something resembling the set of Les Mis ("Will you join in our crusade? Will you be strong and stand with me? Beyond the barricade, is there a world you long to see?")...and I'm just curled up in the midst of blankets and pillows and magazines and the sock monkey army.
Jimmy says, "what happened to the comfy part of the chairs?"
Did you know that when sock monkeys talk to each other, they say "Yoyoyo!" [When did my daughter become Dr. Dre?]
Pete and I are celebrating our collective birthday the week after next with a night out (next week we'll celebrate as a family!), while Grumpa comes to have dinner and a visit with our Lou. I should call and ask if he has a crash helmet. He might need it.

Another 5 Random

2010-11-05T23:05:00.003-04:00

It's November 5th, so here are 5 random things:

Megamind is a very funny movie. I could see it again.
I find Breaking Bad disturbing, so disturbing in fact, that I really can't watch.
Laughing like crazy over absolutely nothing with my girl is the best antidote to anything and everything.
Pepper-kitty makes a good fur stole, as long as you can adapt to the purring. And the scratching. And the hair-biting.
Alton Brown is talking about summer squash, but I am not paying attention. This is the time for acorn and butternut, delicata and hubbard and carnival squash. Speaking of, tomorrow could be a perfectly fine day for making soup.

No complaints, Day 3

2010-11-04T21:17:00.004-04:00

An interesting thing about making a conscious effort not to complain is that I've realized how many opportunities there can be to complain. Or, how much complaining I am capable of doing at times. It's been a humbling realization, and a quieting one. When there is a choice between complaining or venting, and saying nothing, a person can fall silent.

When you're silent, you listen more. You listen better.

I've seen that there are days when I am surrounded by complaining at work. I think when you participate in the drone of griping, you don't notice how much of it there is, how loud the buzz and heavy the weight of it.

I've learned that working on not complaining also leads to not nagging, and reduces the fever pitch of our mornings. There's more harmony, and a kind of serenity, in the hours before the bus pulls up to the end of our driveway.

I've been reminded that I really don't have much to complain about at home. After spending a day at work, though, I am exhausted from a long day of mining for positivity.

Today was a day where it was difficult not to get dragged back into it, where I ran across certain issues at work that needed to be addressed. I had to discuss problems without complaint, but with an eye toward solution. Not easy, but possible....what's going on that isn't working? why isn't it working? what can be done, and who should we enlist to help?

These are all still just baby steps, but I have been grateful, reminding myself that really, my problems are small and few and fixable.

Halloween

2010-11-03T22:12:00.016-04:00

School Halloween parade with ninja tiger, 10.29.10
I waited and waited for her class to come out...and I saw Ella as Hannah Montana
and Danielle as Rapunzel
Finally, Ms. Moyer came out inside a cardboard Lego brick
and I saw the ninja tiger with her friends the mermaid and Robin.

She liked this costume (which was plan B, honestly, and was implemented when I couldn't sort out the triceratops horns) well enough that she was pretty happy about wearing it for trick-or-treating too. And this freed me from handsewing backplates and messing with hot glue, and enabled me to bake two batches of cupcakes with buttercream on Saturday morning.

We came across some teenage clown boys in drag. Here they are.
Here is the arch Charlotte refused to walk under.

Triumphantly displaying their massive haul!

A Tuesday, but a better one

2010-11-02T08:43:00.003-04:00

This morning was so much smoother than yesterday, and really shouldn't have been. I've got some weird sore-throat thing going on and my little friend cried when it was time to get up because she was "so tired, Mama!" But I was patient, and didn't complain. It got better. She was happy and laughing when the bus came, ran to me with a giant hug, and off she went.

I decided to take a different approach to a term start morning today. Instead of hiding on the couch glued to the laptop or a book, resenting the fact that it's term start and may not be an easy day, I cleaned bathrooms and vacuumed and threw some laundry in. Hoping to leave the house soon to go vote and take care of some errands before heading to Salem. See? Working late can be useful...the post office, library and polls are quieter this time of day.

Oh! and I have a new recipe favorite to share...from Tasty Kitchen, a cinnamon swirl coffee cake that is ridiculously easy and SO yummy. I used my largest springform and took it to breakfast in Hampton Falls, and I came back with less than half a cake. (I omitted the pecans to suit various non-nut-eaters). I brought the remains to work yesterday and it disappeared in less than 2 hours. I am thinking this might be a perfect breakfast bite for pre-Thanksgiving festivities.

The ninja tiger enjoyed it.

One last thing, kind of random....interesting piece of Yogi tea wisdom this morning:
If your word does not reflect your spirit and honor, do not speak.

The Leaf that Wouldn't Turn Over, or How I Totally and Completely Built My Own Bad Day

2010-11-01T21:02:00.004-04:00

So today is November 1st. It was supposed to be the start of something new and different, better habits, clearer headspace, a step toward getting me what I need while still taking care of everyone else. I keep making and breaking this commitment, but....I see you, Birthday, hiding around the bend. Don't think I don't. And don't think I don't remember the time that I said that a whole bunch of stuff was going to change before you came around again.

I meant to get up early and get a little exercise this morning. I'm a much nicer person to be around when I do...well, the reasons for it don't really need to be counted. But since I stayed up way too late last night (again), watching Family Guy repeats and dozing off? Nope.

So my not-a-morning-person self rolls out of bed this morning, all chicken hair and surly Monday growling, and proceeds to try to get me and the girl out the door. Some C4 would have been helpful. She's poky, I'm poky. I get it into my deluded brain that I should be trying to do laundry too. Along the way I lose sight of the time, have the five-year-old watch for the bus (!?!)....okay. So how does this drop-off thing work?

Work was, well, the day you would expect someone to have in this circumstance. One of the things that is true about me is that I have such a hard time turning a bad day around! [Sometimes? I don't even try.] But then I found out that one of Pete's friends from high school died last Thursday, at the age of 34. He had been recovering from a stroke, and worked so hard toward finding inner peace. I really hope that he's found it. I want to believe that he has. I spent a lot of my day thinking instead of doing what They pay me to do, which is put out financial fires.

I've come to a few conclusions (in no apparent order):

There will always be things I cannot control. I need to let them go.
Some of the things I can control? Are just not that important. I need to let them go too.
Sleep and water and food and exercise? Non-negotiables. Workday? Does not matter.
I am pretty freaking lucky to even have the luxury of this pity party. I have a family and friends and my health and a job (that I hate) and can take care of myself and the people I care about.
I need to do more creating (baking, knitting, writing, dreaming) and less complaining.

And two plans:

National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo). It's November. I'm doing it. One post, every day, for a month.
An idea I got from an old friend on facebook: 21 Days without Complaining. I'm going 28, starting tomorrow, which puts me at the 29th if I can do it. If I break the rule, I start counting again.

And really? Isn't it better to focus on this, and on whatever moment may be at hand, instead of whining?

5 Random Things I Love

2010-09-01T08:17:00.003-04:00

George Harrison.
Sea salt caramels.
The smell of new fabric and wool.
Sunflowers.
A shower after a day at the beach- emerging refreshed and free of sand and salt and sunscreen.

The path we're on

2010-08-31T09:02:00.009-04:00

Our first day of kindergarten was yesterday. When I say "our", I don't mean it in the way that mothers often say, "Okay, now, let's eat our breakfast....." It has really felt as though we've all been barreling unmistakeably and unstoppably toward that day all summer. Or at least for the past few weeks. Sunday night and yesterday morning, I felt as though it were my first day too- checking and double-checking that the backpack was labeled, the milk money safely in an envelope with her name on it, the laundry done. I had braced myself for whatever might come when the bus arrived. And as it turned out, it was perfect.

Charlotte's been different in the past weeks: physically clingy here and there, regressing into baby talk one moment, coming out with funny, almost snarky, comments the next. She's asked questions that are difficult to answer and been thoughtful about things, all while following me from room to room, close at my heels. She has known that things are about to change, and (I think) wasn't quite sure how she felt about it.

A week or so ago at bedtime, she brought me Someday to read:

Someday I will stand on this porch and watch your arms waving to me until I no longer see you. Someday you will look at this house and wonder how something that feels so big can look so small.

I find myself faced with both huge excitement at what lies ahead and reluctance to let this time go- the same duality that has come before, and will again, as she moves through each major development. This is what children do, what they are supposed to do. They grow up, and they get on a school bus, you drop them off at a college campus, you visit them at a first apartment and plan their weddings. They grow up. This means that you did your job right.

The conclusion that I've come to is that my feelings on the eve of big kid-dom are not all about Charlotte, because the growing and the developing and the independence? that's all normal and good and I look forward to all of it. Part of it is me, and how I am changing, how we evolve together as mother and child, as individuals, as a family, and for me and Pete, as a couple. I don't feel as though my whole identity has been tied up in motherhood, although it is now one of the cornerstones of the structure of who I am.

I recently read Bad Mother. And while Ayelet Waldman does discuss mothering her four children, the book is more about how being a mother has changed her in ways that have little to do with her children, about the invisible standards that exist for mothers and how were are destined to fail if we insist on holding ourselves up to those shadowy yardsticks for scrutiny. There needs to be someone inside Mommy's head besides Mommy. It is necessary, and healthy, that there are things that matter in addition to our kids....and it's a hard dogma to maintain in the face of the helicopter parents and professional room mothers who judge a person for working full time. For taking advantage of the after-school care every minute between when school ends and 5:30 pm. For taking a weekend off and visiting with friends. For working late and coming home after the kidlet(s) have gone to sleep.

The hardest judgments are those we place on ourselves. The most difficult standards for me to live up to are my own.

And what this whole line of thinking circles back to is the fact that I an still searching for answers. Since it's fairly obvious that I could be doing more fulfilling things with my time, what's next? I know who I am. I know that I am not defined by my work, but it's a part of my identity (not least because I've been doing the same work for so long). The idea of making changes leads me down a path of choices (which is always difficult) and possible sacrifices (even more difficult). I'm too comfortable. I need to shake things up and be prepared for whatever comes my way.

Kind of like being a parent.

It's Sunday night...

2010-08-15T20:25:00.002-04:00

...and all I have are lines from the song that's currently stuck in my head:

there's a line
that is leading
clearly feeding
all the things i don't believe in
but i'll step in once again

Tomorrow I will attempt to post, for realz.

And another thing...

2010-08-11T18:07:00.002-04:00

Pete and I have a new project. Check out the inaugural entry:

You Made What?

Wednesday evening

2010-08-11T17:58:00.008-04:00

Pete recently told me that he's observed my process for making a gin and tonic. He said, "You gather your gin, and your tonic water and limes, your knife and a board for the lime....you put it all together in a certain order, and it's the same every time....exactly like your father."

Well, let's see:

[I might also have wiped the drips from the outside of the glass, and from the counter.]

July 31st

2010-07-31T22:54:00.002-04:00

So...I was going to write something thoughtful about my month of daily blogging...but it is late, and again I am wiped out. Relaxing is hard work....we had a lazy day at home and then rolled up to North Berwick for dinner, drinks and sitting by the fire.

And now, to sleep.

We all need goals

2010-07-30T22:29:00.002-04:00

...so here are some of mine for the weekend, in no particular order.

Sleep.
Time outside in the sun.
Get caught up on cleaning and laundry.
Finish Charlotte's sweater (so close!).
Fun with family and friends.
Write.
Cook/bake something for Monday's work potluck.
Send some emails, make some calls.....catch up with people!

A list, because I am really really tired....item #1, soon.

Lori vs. the kitten

2010-07-29T23:09:00.002-04:00

She might have tiny pointy teeth and razor-sharp claws that could use trimming....but I have a squirtgun.

I think it's a draw.

Positive energy reaps more positive energy?

2010-07-28T23:03:00.006-04:00

I just got in from work. Now, it's not as bad as it sounds...one of the regional managers offered to take the entire Portsmouth start team out to dinner to celebrate having made our July goal. Despite the fact that I don't care much for this woman, I decided that I needed to accept her generosity graciously, without speculating about her motivations.

I am glad I did. There was shop talk, but there was also sharing stories about real life, teasing one another about our little quirks, dissecting everyone's star signs and how closely we each adhere to those characteristics, and enjoying a really nice meal. [We went to Jumpin' Jay's...I had the seared tuna with sesame glaze and wasabi aioli. Their calamari and mussels are fabulous too.] I remembered again what I liked about working with some of these people, and that makes me smile. I laughed, and I made people laugh. A few of us even went for a beer afterward.

Now here's the funny, or maybe the beautiful, thing: this morning I had been thinking about how little I wanted to go. It meant a long day, working until later than I normally do on Wednesdays; it meant socializing with a few people who have driven me batshit crazy for weeks now. It meant being away from home and family, and wearing something other than flip flops and soccer shorts after 6 pm. But it felt like the right thing to do, to show acceptance when someone offers their thanks, to be gracious and grateful and to make an effort when you don't feel like it. You might laugh, but facing the usual meetings and calls, the long day, and the dinner....I actually sat and asked for serenity before leaving the house. And not "Serenity Now!" but the Serenity Prayer.

Do you know that it worked? Absolutely amazing.

Who doesn't like pizza?

2010-07-27T22:01:00.009-04:00

This past Friday night we grilled some pizza, instead of running the oven.

Basil. Garlic. Cheese. Mushrooms.
Dough

toppings, on deck while the crust grills
just sauce and cheese (guess who that's for?)
yummy. garlic/basil/mushroom, hint of pesto, cheese
Because you have to have pizza after the movies! (Despicable Me, which we all loved).

...in which I did not disintegrate upon reentry

2010-07-26T21:51:00.003-04:00

It wasn't the worst day, but it wasn't the best, either. I began the day with a good attitude, and someone in the office even commented, "Hey, I haven't seen you smile like that in a long time!" But somehow, the deeper I dug into the day, the more I had the thought that it wasn't going anywhere good.

But. I tried to let go of that expectation, that decision, really. And I embraced the moment, the emotional space. I am stressed, and anxious. I don't have to be; this is only work. What do I need to do to walk away from this feeling? What can I get done today?

I worked at holding the even keel. When I got a headache, I ate lunch. And I felt better. When I needed to walk away, I did. When I needed to stop and just breathe, I did. When I realized that the buzz of people's phone calls and student meetings was making it difficult to focus, I listened to music.

I could have done better. I'm honestly surprised, and a bit sad, about how hard it really was. But I think I know what that teaches me. I have some decisions to make, clearly.

It's not as dire as it might sound....and the day did improve. It took a bit longer than I would have liked to shake off the funk, and that may have had something to do with my plan to get some work done after Charlotte went to bed. But we had dinner, just the two of us, and chatted about our day, and about her friends and other things (why does she suddenly have questions about fur coats??). We played a game...and then the bedtime ritual, with stories and kisses and even more questions and I-love-yous.

I padded downstairs, barefoot, and got a glass of water and the work laptop. I sat down to work....and the universe interfered. Between the slow connection and my crappy work Dell, I was just spinning my wheels. For a fraction of a second I got frustrated, until I sat for a minute and listened to the message.

I bagged the whole thing, put it all away, and opened a beer.

Going with the flow

2010-07-25T21:53:00.003-04:00

Making loose plans, and going where the road takes me each day, has made this one of the best vacations I've had in a long time. I really can't remember a night before returning to work where I have been this relaxed...or a Sunday night, even.

It's late...tomorrow brings Monday and whatever comes with it.

such a day...

2010-07-24T21:18:00.003-04:00

...such a good day, that I am too tired for words. Instead, a picture of my girl, and a song.

A little sunburn, a little inspiration...thoughts upon slowing down

2010-07-23T11:36:00.002-04:00

"Figure out what you have to do in life and then just go to work and do it. Look at your world as a beautiful world. And it is a beautiful world. It's just your job to make it a little bit better."
-Leah Chase, as relayed to Kim Severson

I just finished reading Spoon Fed, and I have to be honest here. I thought this would just be a fun beach read, something along the lines of Cooking for Mr. Latte, or Confessions of a Closet Master Baker- memoirs told through food, with recipes sprinkled in for fun and to illustrate the writer's perspective more clearly. This last, though, was something more.

Severson, who writes for the New York Times, breaks down her journey into so many varied elements. Sure, each chapter deals largely with a woman (her mom, Marion Cunningham, Edna Lewis, Rachael Ray, Ruth Reichl) who ended up being influential in her life for one reason or another, but it's as much about food and career as tenacity, self-knowledge, love and family.

Food as the outward expression of love, of generosity, speaks to me. Times when I've been too sick or busy or depressed to really truly cook and to feed my family are sad and difficult for me, and I know this is rooted in my past. To gather the family, blood and "adopted", at the table, has always been one of my mother's greatest joys. You're here? Stay for dinner. I've always wanted to have those open arms and doors, but it doesn't come easily to me, and I have begun to realize that it has less to do with being closed off, and more to do with shyness, with fighting the introvert.

But do I need to fight the introvert? Really?

Maybe part of this journey that we're on is meant to include awareness and acceptance of self. For me: finding a way to have the open heart and arms without beating down the introvert.

Maybe part of this is managing expectations, another element Severson explores in her book. This is certainly not a new idea to me- I remember having a conversation with a friend years ago where he frankly told me that he tries to have no expectations on anything in his life. And it's not as bleak as it sounds, it's not out of a fear of disappointment...rather, it's a way to be open to whatever comes his way. I think it's a valuable viewpoint. I find that building preconceived ideas, whether about people or situations, never helps anything, and in fact will often just result in my being rattled by what happens.

I've tried this week to do just that- to abandon the expectations and just go with the flow. Vacations will not go according to plan, workdays will bring unexpected snafus, people will do or say things that surprise you. And it's all fine. It's good, and necessary.

Driving back over the bridge last night from Rye to Dover, we saw the most incredible sunset. It was like driving into the open heart of God. And as I watched the brilliant bands of pink and orange and blue and gray, it occurred to me that the serendipity I've come across in my life is far beyond anything I could possibly have hoped I would find.

Sunset sky at Odiorne Point

2010-07-22T22:10:00.003-04:00

The mark of a good vacation....

2010-07-21T21:34:00.002-04:00

...is that tonight, talking to my brother, I realized that I had no idea what day today was. I had some vague idea that it might be Wednesday...and possibly still July...nice.

We had such an awesome beach day today that I am considering going again tomorrow, and then again on Friday. Living the dream, man. We fled the approaching thunderstorms a bit too early (it's just starting to hit us here in Dover now), but the beauty is that in less than an hour- closer to 1/2 hour, really- we can be at one of three or four great beaches. We really are blessed with great places to visit during an at-home vacation within a stone's throw.

Tomorrow I'll try to post a bit earlier in the day, when my brain is still working. I have pictures, and interesting things I found to share...tomorrow.

yeah.

2010-07-20T21:25:00.002-04:00

(more pics from the Wild Kingdom tomorrow.)

that child....

2010-07-19T21:25:00.003-04:00

Charlotte: Give me more kisses, Mama. Give me all of the kisses you have.

Me: Okay. What are you doing with all of them? Are you throwing them into the fan?

C: I am...that way all the kisses will blow out the window and into the world for all the children who have no Mama or Daddy to love them. So they can have kisses too.

Pete and Lori, Lori and Pete

2010-07-18T22:21:00.007-04:00

Today

2010-07-18T22:07:00.013-04:00

Hanging out in the yard this morning...

Lou and the vampire teeth she got from the pinata yesterday at Glenn and Joan's
Jenness Beach after dinner

The Wide World of Wallaby

2010-07-17T21:14:00.005-04:00

Today we went to a party/pig roast, and although I brought the camera I did not take a single picture. Instead, I give you proof that I do in fact have a knitting project.

I'm going to go watch more of The Wire now...until tomorrow...

Holy crap! Peace and quiet!

2010-07-16T21:01:00.003-04:00

It's an uneventful first evening of vacation, and frankly I could not be happier. I have a Kona Fire Rock Pale Ale, my laptop, and my long-neglected knitting, and am hiding in the air-conditioned bedroom. The weekend's laundry is begun (the first two loads done, probably two or three more tomorrow/Sunday), Charlotte's in bed and Pete is out with Dr. Dan. Kitchen's clean, cats snoozing somewhere (somewhere else), and I have nothing I need to do. Oh glorious night....

8:55 am

2010-07-15T20:29:00.005-04:00

...so this might be why people seem afraid of me in the morning!

I look muuuuch friendlier now, don't I?
hmm. perhaps not.

La cathedrale engloutie

2010-07-14T22:37:00.002-04:00

I was listening to the Boston classical station on the way to work this morning, which I like to do sometimes to keep things calm and even as I transition from one world to the other. Today I heard a piece I've never heard before, Debussy's La cathedrale engloutie (The Sunken Cathedral).

The piece was meant to tell the story of the doomed ancient Breton town of Ys...as the old French legend goes, the people were punished for their sins (mostly false piety) as the sea rose up and engulfed the cathedral and all within it. But on a clear day, if you stand on the shore where Ys once stood, you can hear the strains of distant bells and the parishioners chanting as the cathedral rises to the surface and falls again with the swells of the sea. A cautionary tale, I suppose, for those who might follow the same path.

I'd never heard of this before- I find this sort of medieval mythology fascinating. The music is lilting and beautiful...and haunting and creepy at the same time. I love that.

Had a thought and lost it

2010-07-13T21:38:00.007-04:00

"Some people have great ideas maybe once or twice in their life, and then they discover electricity or fire or outer space or something.
I mean, the kind of brilliant ideas that change the whole world.

Some people never have them at all.

I get them two or three times a week."

-Neil Gaiman, The Day I Swapped My Dad for Two Goldfish

This line came to me one morning recently, and by the time I remembered it fully, I had lost the thought that followed, the place I was going. I think I am feeling of a loss of inspiration, creative energy in a dormant state. Most of my projects of late lie as fallow as my garden this year, and I think it's that flash of brilliance, that spark, that's been absent.

I chalk it up to fatigue. New and improved flavors of insomnia have appeared, keeping me up at night watching bad TV and badly edited movies and surfing the web...polluting my sleep with weird conglomerate dreams, where work and high school and grocery shopping and anything and everything else appear sequentially, like shuffling a deck of cards. Tarot for the hyperactive subconscious.

And now, to sleep....

In case you were wondering....

2010-07-12T21:34:00.004-04:00

...a partial list of the movies I must watch whenever I come across them. Bad network TV editing does not matter; I'll watch anyway.

The Godfather
The Godfather, Part II (but not Three! never Three)
The Notebook
Goodfellas
Dazed and Confused
Sixteen Candles
The Goonies
Forrest Gump
Gone with the Wind
The Wizard of Oz (of course)
Dead Poets' Society
Beetlejuice

That is all (for now).

Ten random thoughts

2010-07-11T20:51:00.004-04:00

The peanut butter blondies, which ended up being dense and fudgy, were amazing. I have yet to make anything from a Joy the Baker recommendation that wasn't.
This is not limited to, but including: Strawberry Coffee Cake, Maple Pancake Muffins, Whole Wheat Chocolate Chip Cookies, and Root Beer Float Cake. Oh my.
I love not bringing home leftovers from a potluck. It feels like I won a prize!
This is sometimes difficult to remember, but often when kids are up to their least lovable behavior, they need unconditional love (and patience) the most.
I can't believe it's already Sunday night. On some level, I'm in denial about that.
I may also be in denial about whether I'm going to finish my book, in which case I ought to just return it to the library and pay the fine. [Too much of the co-author's voice.]
I don't normally watch Guy Fieri, but watching him make "fair food" at home amuses me.
Another amusement: rediscovering websites I love but have somehow managed to forget about. Not reading for a couple of months provides me with a treasure trove of reading. [Could be another reason I've neglected my book.]
Listening to Ray Lamontagne makes me happy.
So does writing every day.

July 10th

2010-07-10T23:08:00.009-04:00

the giant beetle wandering around our driveway
the Lou
tiny wee bird
really, the beetle was huge. now it's on the picnic table.
see? giant. child's hand included for scale. [no children were harmed by giant beetles during the staging of these photos.]
when it's hot, cats retreat to the bathroom sink
and floor

The things you can't cheat on, the things you can't sub out

2010-07-09T21:07:00.010-04:00

I am currently making peanut butter blondies with milk chocolate frosting (Joy the Baker) for a party tomorrow. And as I stir the butter and dark brown sugar, melting them over medium heat, I'm struck by the fact that you really can't exchange the butter in a blondie for another form of fat, or fat substitute.

I've been making blondies for a long time. The original blondie recipe, which makes something almost more akin to a brown sugar fudge if you don't bake them quite long enough, is in The Joy of Cooking. I made that recipe, and the one for banana bread, countless times as a kid/teenager, pretty much from the time I was allowed to use the stove and oven. That was a good half of my repertoire: blondies, banana bread, gingerbread men (from the same book, only at Christmastime), and the "Never-Fail Fudge" recipe from the back of the tub of marshmallow fluff.

The key to the blondie is absolutely the melding of butter and brown sugar, followed by a perfectly timed addition of eggs- too soon, and you have butterscotch laced with scrambled eggs. [I do have a friend who would totally eat that for breakfast, by the way.] So how can you sub the butter for anything else, anything less?

I've been bothered over the past week by an incident that happened last Friday, and three conversations that followed, in which I was surprised by the behavior of two people with whom I work closely. I've known one of them for years and really, shocked does not begin to cover my reaction to a situation that, honestly, did not affect me directly. But this person whose words and actions surprised me is my friend, and what I know or knew or thought of his character has been shaken.

I tried to stay out of this mess, reasoning that it wasn't my place or my business, that the person who had been hurt in this situation wasn't my responsibility...but at the end of the day I had to get involved, had to try to do something to make things better. I don't know if I succeeded; ultimately I think a bad situation was made worse by some poor judgment calls (not on my part) and some unfortunately chosen words, but I am not sorry.

No matter how small, an injustice is an injustice. I think a person has to speak up when the inner voice says so; at the end of the day you really can't sub out fairness and decency, no matter how messy it gets.

I do enjoy deviance

2010-07-08T21:23:00.003-04:00

I recently finished my second of Atul Gawande's books, and besides cementing my opinion that the man is a gifted writer, it's left me with the thought that his ideas for improving performance in the medical profession can (as he hopes) translate beyond it. His Suggestions for Becoming a Positive Deviant:

Ask an unscripted question.
Don't complain.
Count something.
Write something.
Change.

The idea that we can step outside the routine, the comfort zone...put ourselves out there and make an effort to connect, to divert focus away from the minor dysfunctions of the everyday. That we should be observers of what's around us, and take time to reflect on what we see. That we can effect change in ourselves....and maybe then change our little spheres for the better.

I like this, and I need to think about it more.

This week....

2010-07-07T21:53:00.002-04:00

...it creeps along. Term start and all its inherent drama drained me more than I had thought; after putting the girl to bed I found I was too distracted to do much other than poke around the interwebs and read. I expect I should have written this post before the zoning out. Not many words left at this point.

Although! I asked Pete what he and Lou had done tonight (I didn't get in till around 8)...and he said they had watched Food Network Challenge: Extreme Cakes. She loves that stuff- the insane decorating, the giant scale, the competition. Now while I wouldn't call us Foodies (we have neither the disposable income nor the free time to explore tons and tons of restaurants), we do enjoy reading about food....watching TV shows about food....cooking...eating...talking about food...let's call us Food People. Or something.

It's just funny that the girl has the bug too. Nature or nurture? Or just a way to get into the A/C?

Tuesday

2010-07-06T21:08:00.007-04:00

Because I'm tired, and because it's one of my favorite songs.

...you pick the place and I'll choose the time
and I'll climb the hill in my own way
just wait a while for the right day
and as I rise above the tree-line and the clouds
I look down, hearing the sounds of the things you've said today...

Fireworks in the park

2010-07-05T21:28:00.013-04:00

Sky....
a crowd of somewhat familiar-looking people. I guess that happens after 7 years in the same place.

Helen and Kim
gundalow at dusk
across the river
sweet girl

sparklers, ablaze

July 4th

2010-07-04T16:25:00.002-04:00

Today's top five:

5. Harpoon Summer Beer.
4. Listening to Charlotte read from A Pizza the Size of the Sun, needing minimal help.
3. S'mores brownies.
2. Wilco.
1. Time.

Ahh.

2010-07-03T10:43:00.003-04:00

This morning, the signs were too great to ignore. The cats woke me up at 6:30, and I didn't feel a powerful need to get more sleep. Pete was already up- we had coffee in the quiet and watched a little What Would Brian Boitano Make? (it's not for the recipes, but for the kitsch). Once the girl woke up, I started some laundry and puttered around. There was no reason not to...she was happy, Pete was occupied doing something, I was awake and not particularly hungry or lazy...yeah. Let's get moving.

I did the almost-1.5 mile route from the house to the end of the road and back. I ran for part of the way, which is unusual. And as I ran, I tried to recapture that feeling- the one of being a kid, of running just for the joy of it, that feeling of leaping from the ground and coming down again only to leave the earth again. I tried. I don't quite have it yet.

Overall, it was kind of eh. I got bored with the heavy bag quickly...but there's always tomorrow.

Commute

2010-07-02T06:27:00.006-04:00

I was in such a good mood yesterday before work, a slate wiped clean of the previous day's worries. The sun was shining, and I wanted to try to capture the world around me. Unfortunately, I also had somewhere to be. So...out the window, point-and-watch-the-road photography.

From Route 4, at the light- you can see the boats tethered out there..

And the clouds were stretched over the sky, but couldn't quite cover it up...

What's beyond tired?

2010-07-01T06:39:00.004-04:00

Sitting here this morning, mumbling to myself about overdue library books, and the fact that I owe the library some money...again...I see the kitten staring at me. "What? Don't judge me. You don't even have any library books."

Then I hear Pete chuckling from the other room.

It's been a brutal couple of weeks, with the type of running around and stress (in both the personal and professional life) that you can't sustain for very long. I think the crash was yesterday, because I slept well last night and today I suddenly don't care about any of it.

Remember the 1980s-era GI Joe action figures? They were small and jointed, two separate pieces of plastic held together inside with a rubber band. But if you pulled the pieces hard enough in opposing directions, for a long enough period of time....SNAP.

I've decided to try an experiment. In an attempt to write more regularly (something I need to do), I have declared a Blog Posting Month. We will see if I can do it....

Also:

2010-05-03T12:23:00.002-04:00

toothpastefordinner.com

The shift

2010-05-03T11:20:00.003-04:00

I've been rolling this around in my head for a couple of weeks now, looking for the words and the time to get it all down....

I am not a runner, to be truthful. I can perhaps be a runner's biggest fan and possibly provide a post-run zone with feasting and sunshine...but the running, it eludes me. This may change, it may not. This is all to say that I'm not a likely person to have leafed through Runner's World. But I idly flipped through a copy recently and found this article.

And I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. It comes down to perspective, and to gratitude. I am fortunate to have so many things in my life to balance, even though on some days I would gladly hide in my bed from those things. Every day, every challenge, every time crunch, there lies opportunity. I might walk away from work winded and drained, but I know I improved things in ways small and not-so-small. I might have to juggle tasks to spend time with my family, but I am capable and it can be done. My basic needs are met, I am blessed with amazing people in my life....and I get to accomplish so much in a 24 hour day....there lies the shift in perspective.

Not yet!

2010-04-13T06:13:00.016-04:00

I've gathered up the last shreds of the silence this morning and am hoarding them, jealously guarding them, keeping them to myself. No, you may not have them, they are mine. If I sit here quietly with my coffee....I might be able to write and read my book for a little bit! Perhaps not.

4 more days of chaos till vacation, which of course means that the list of Stuff I chip away at day in and day out has to be gone (more or less) by Friday. Somehow, though, I opted to take the girl on a long walk before dinner last night, and to read until I fell asleep instead of working. Now that's progress!

It's been so beautiful out, even on the windy days, I just don't want to miss anything. In no particular order I have been soaking up vitamin D, making plans for my garden, having cocktails outside, playing wiffle ball, sleeping, opening windows in my house and then shutting them again before the heat kicks on.

no pork, thank you

2010-04-09T21:28:00.003-04:00

Charlotte: Don't buy any pork for me at the farmer's market, Mama, because I just don't like it. I won't eat it, so don't get me any.

Me: But you like sausage. Sausage is made from pork. You also like bacon.

C: Well, bacon and sausage, but that's it.

Me: What about ham? Don't you like ham?

C: Okay, ham, and sausage and bacon. But that's it. That's the only kind of pork I like. You better write that down, Mama, so you don't forget.

Me: Uh, okay. I will remember.

C: Write it down! ....what kind of animal does pork comes from?

Aww.

2010-04-08T20:54:00.006-04:00

This is Scott.
Lou loves her some Uncle Scott.

See?

Easter weekend

2010-04-07T06:31:00.022-04:00

Slow start to the long weekend fun, what with the housecleaning and all. But THEN, there was:

Homemade pizza (chicken and roasted red pepper)
Picnic in Prescott Park with some Nasons!

Barbecue Easter in Providence

Such a good good weekend....just perfect.

6 am

2010-04-07T06:12:00.005-04:00

This is how early I need to be awake to find any time for writing (or the treadmill, or reading, for that matter). It's actually kind of nice today- the gathering dawn is gray out there, but I'm curled up here in the warm glow of one lamp.

Today I will need to go with the flow. Follow the to-do list, in order, but be flexible. There's always something on fire- or, that needs immediate attention- so why allow sudden change to derail the day or the mood? It's only work.

Last night I left work early-ish for me on a Tuesday...I stopped just over the bridge to take pictures of the dusky world around me.

Maybe today there will be more sunshine. But no matter. Here are five things I plan for today:

A productive day at work, without drama.
Time with the family tonight- dinner with the girl, seeing the man when he gets home.
Some house stuff (laundry, tidying of piles...). Leaving it all for the weekend just puts a damper on a few days off.
Working on Lou's sweater.
Early bedtime, for once.
Keep looking around....spring is everywhere!

Budding

2010-04-02T17:32:00.005-04:00

Apple tree

Lilacs budding in the sun
and in the shadow of the big tree

oh, hello, Tuesday

2010-03-30T06:29:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was not the most productive day. I started off strong but lost a lot of motivation midday....I blame the rain. Mostly though, I just really wished I was home curled up on the couch, reading. Guess not all days can be that day.

I had promised the girl a trip to the library, so we spent an hour or so last night poking around, watching the gerbils, reading, collecting stuff to check out. AND she was very excited and proud to check her books and DVDs out on her very own library card. *sniff sniff* Such a big kid. That reminds me; I had probably better make a note somewhere of when her things are due....seeing as they won't pull up on my login....otherwise this will just double the size of the fines I end up paying several times a year.

I had started and finished my book on Sunday, so I went after more books on the history of medicine/surgery. It's gory stuff, no lie, but I find the evolution of what human beings are capable of learning and how we apply those principles and the whole process of changing the scope of medicine fascinating. We'll see whether the other books I brought home hold up as well. I found a memoir which seems interesting and another book on the history of medicine on the American frontier; the book I just finished was written as a companion piece to a BBC series that I watched on PBS (Blood & Guts; I recommend but not for the faint of heart!).

I only wish I could read and knit at the same time. I had planned to work on Charlotte's sweater last night...I am finally at the point where I can add a second ball of yarn and begin knitting the Wallaby pocket in the front, which will take a bit of concentration. After putting her to bed though, I opted out of the knitting in favor of flipping through the copy of Beard on Bread that I found at the library. I was inspired by seeing Beth's copy a couple of weeks ago and am seeking out my own; this borrowed one will tide me over for a bit. I would like to bake some bread, soon...like today...

Of all the things today will bring, however, bread baking is not one of them. Today there will be reports and meetings, training and emails. I will hopefully be home by 7 or 7:30 and maybe will throw in some laundry. LOST will be on, then I will sleep. It's Tuesday, probably the most fleeting of my days and the one most likely to invite the insomnia. So the goals: get stuff done, spend time with the family, SLEEP.

Adventures and down time

2010-03-28T12:04:00.018-04:00

An unexpected opportunity to play with some friends popped up for the girl yesterday, so Pete took her to a playground a town over. I poked around for a while, not really feeling pursuing my plans. Still, a chance to get out there in the sun was not something to let slip away, so I headed off to the farmer's market.

There were fewer vendors, since the winter has ended and the stores of potatoes, onions, carrots, turnips, shallots and garlic are mostly depleted. But I could still find fresh bread, fish, meat, eggs, goat's milk and cheese....plus there were some crafters there with their wares. I loaded up with a loaf of anadama bread, 2 lb of haddock, 2 packages of frozen sausage, and some small yellow potatoes (which are really so so pretty- I should take a picture). And since I was alone, I had a better opportunity to talk to people, poke around. All in all, not a bad way to spend an hour or so....plus the walk through the greenhouse just to get to the market area was just full of heady fragrance and green...tulips and primroses, pansies and daffodils. I swear this fall I will plant bulbs for early spring bloom no matter what I do.

From there I hit the yarn store for a brief visit. I've been annoyed at my wristwarmers, largely because of the aforementioned problem (my fault) of running out of yarn. Fortunately for me, Margot did have more of the same dye lot. [Sometimes my luck is better than my procrastinating heart can hope for!] I also found a beautiful blue cotton...so soft...and despite the fact that I have FOUR separate knitting projects sitting on my couch, I bought two hanks of it. We have friends who recently had a baby boy...and I do love making wee sweaters. Almost instant gratification.

I took pictures, walking down Central:

After dropping off the market stuff, eating lunch, and taking care of some stuff around here, Lou and I headed off again to (get this) get my car washed. It just felt like a good day to do that. A trip to Tuttle's did not yield what I needed to make dinner (why can't I find either Negro Modelo or ancho chiles in the Dover area?)...so we headed home.

I played with the camera...

...and then made dinner. I did the Beer-Braised Turkey Tacos from Food & Wine's March issue. It was a lot of work, probably more than the grilled salmon tacos in the same issue...and not quite as tasty. It could also be that I botched the sauce by trying to reduce it after I pureed the tomatoes/onions/jalapenos/garlic instead of reducing and THEN dumping it into the blap-o-matic.

Kitchen wear

(Mexican sugar skull apron by Cupcake Provocateur. Love the lovely husband.)

Today I've been good for not much. Made some waffles, am avoiding the grocery list and the rest of the cleaning. Lou and I might go to Petco or do some crafty stuff after lunch. I think it's a sleepy day, despite the sun...Pete seems to have caught a cold...so I think another quiet Sunday might be what we need. Haddock, potatoes and peas for dinner- not exciting, but yummy local, comforting food. Ahh.

Spring, please

2010-03-26T06:54:00.003-04:00

I had intended to write this entry before now, so much of it has flown from my cluttered head. I had been thinking about this winter- my attempts to resist the impulse to hibernate, the weird weather- and realized that while I am usually beginning my spring thaw by now, I'm not quite there yet. I think I need to shake things up...these things don't happen on their own, now do they?

The weekend ahead is supposed to be sunny, but a bit cold (30s and 40s). I am thinking that this is the perfect opportunity for working inside the house. Our collective and individual piles of stuff are out of control. Some organization is in order, some stashing of stuff not immediately needed in storage, some general cleaning. Trust me when I say that there is LOTS that needs to be cleaned. This Monday through Friday pace does not lend itself well to maintaining a clean house!

Being able to look around and see a clean and (mostly, let's be honest; it's still me) organized house will be so much more peaceful for me than glancing over and looking at this pile or that thing-that-is-dirty. So that's one thing.

And the winter farmer's market is this weekend too. I think it's the one close to home, and we haven't been in a while. The market always gets me inspired about food and cooking and growing...and it is time that we start thinking about the garden....

To get me over this early spring hump, where the ground still sleeps and the air still holds a chill, I'm going to take pictures of things I find beautiful, things that inspire me. I've been too bogged down. There's an entire world out there that I don't always see, whispering "open your eyes" as I speed along. I'm listening, I promise I am.

Last-Minute Mama rides again

2010-03-18T20:59:00.003-04:00

Fortunately for the kidlet, I was able to recover from my almost-fumble. We are locked and loaded for kindergarten, with only the doctor's office completion of the school's physical form left to add to what is now her file.

"I hope you know....that this will go down...on your permanent record...."

Today is a bit of a blur; even now I'm not sure how it all happened. Somehow though, possibly through some kind of time warp, I managed to resolve student issues, request refund checks, chase the Business Office manager (fruitlessly, I might add) for help resolving two of said student issues, register the Lou for school, drive to the other office, have one of my (many) weekly meetings, resolve more student issues.....and leave for home an hour late. Then I remembered the laundry detergent we didn't have. Sigh.

You can see why I'm a little manic. It could also be the giant iced coffee I drank at 2:00.

And now I am working, although sort of half-heartedly. I am sure I will regret this when I am ill-prepared for my 9:00 meeting tomorrow, in which I am scheduled to throw down with the Director of Admissions.

Up and down

2010-03-16T20:00:00.002-04:00

Okay, so there's good news and bad news today.

Good news: The operations review went pretty well. I expected a firing squad, but our presentations were met with either mild skepticism or even simple acceptance...and questions here and there.

Bad news: I have had a headache perched on my face, like a giant malevolent bird, since around 11 am.

Good news: My presence is not required tomorrow; I can go back to my regularly scheduled programming.

Bad news: I'm so drained! I wish today had been Friday. Tomorrow will likely be exhausting.

Good news: I will be able to pick the Lou up from school tomorrow and make dinner. Who knows? Maybe we'll even get her birthday thank-yous finished.

Bad news: I forgot to check and see when kindergarten signups are scheduled for Lou's future elementary school.

Good news: A friend who lives in town mentioned something on FB and her post reminded me.

Bad news: Um, possibly pretty bad news: They're this week. By appointment only. The only days left for appointments are tomorrow and Thursday. Crap.

Just when I think I have things under control, man...who decided that I should be an adult?!?

....in which I am, inexplicably, in a very bad mood...

2010-03-15T08:58:00.002-04:00

The darkness outside the windows when the alarm sounded this morning didn't surprise me. Why would it? This is the time of year, and to be honest I gladly trade daylight in the early morning for daylight in the evening. I was even cheerful about the time change yesterday, feeling as though it's a true sign that spring really is just around the corner. Despite the chill in the air, I crawled out of the warm flannel nest and headed off to start the day- coffee, stretching, treadmill.

Maybe that's where it started.

Everything has just been so damn difficult today, and it's only 9:00. I ended up feeling squashed by the exercise rather than energized. I had to wake everyone else in the house up a bit later than usual, which didn't make for happy people. Truthfully, all of the annoyances today have been just that- petty annoyances, nothing to get fussed about- and still my frustration threshold is really really low today. I drove to Portsmouth thinking about all of the things I didn't get done yesterday, thinking about the work week and things that I don't want to do (as in, major presentation to regional management, sort of a defend-your-life kind of thing, which I am co-presenting with my boss, who has in turn not shared anything he's written with me) and thinking about how badly I could use some time off. The more I think, the more frustrated and irritable I become.

And still it rains. The wind blows the sheets of rain sideways, and the roads resemble what sailors look for on the surface of a body of water. I get wet getting cash from the ATM, wetter getting in and out of the car to pick up cough and cold medicine at the pharmacy. I have plans to meet a friend for lunch downtown today, and know that I will be wetter still after that.

I can put all this into perspective...things can always be worse, you know? We didn't lose power again, the cellar is wet but not flooded, I have a job....today I just do not have the psychic energy to put on the happy face. I am having a bad morning, and I own that.

And I know that tomorrow will be better. I refuse to have the same day two days in a row.

Rainy Sunday

2010-03-14T11:36:00.006-04:00

I had the idea that I might get some stuff accomplished today...errands, cleaning, laundry....but have abandoned that plan in favor of laying low. What was a little cough yesterday has evolved into a full-blown cold today, and the last thing the kidlet needs is to be dragged to the shoe store, the yarn shop, the grocery store and wherever else. She's tired, and a bit weepy, so couch time and movies are in order. Coraline is on soon, and she really wants to see it...and to be honest I am not feeling 100% today either. I've decided to resign myself to the fact that my house will look like a tornado blew through it for the rest of the week, because I am not cleaning it up!

Some randomness from the past week or so:

Before hair
And after.

I'm still getting used to it...but I really like it. Next time I will convince her to make them more so (more bang-y; she really didn't want to give me the bangs in the first place).

This hat
which has aggravated me off and on since November, is finally done. The bad news is that it's too big for my head and too small for Pete's. It's really beautiful, which is a great thing- I worked hard on all those one stitch cables, made it too big, blocked it, and then got frustrated and shelved it. The intended recipient got a different Christmas gift. Lasy week, I finally took it in for help ripping back, then redid all the finish work yesterday. Even after steam blocking it, I'm not happy for some reason. [Probably because I can't wear it.]

I'm working on a simple pair of arm/wristwarmers- I liked the last pair I made so much I decided I need a pair too! Of course, despite using the same yarn, same pattern, same needles...I am going to run out of yarn. Damn. Always pick up the extra ball...I know this! And yet. Thus the trip to the yarn shop...which now is not happening. I can work on Charlotte's sweater, or Pete's, or swatch for mine, so it's not like I don't have stuff to work on. I just really wanted those done before I moved on to the next thing.

This little person
really likes making potholders. She does not like finishing them (weaving the loose loops together), so I get to do that part. It hurts the hands! She's a smart kid to make me do it.

music = fuel

2010-03-13T11:35:00.001-05:00

....in which I am unsure whether I can haz bangses

2010-03-07T13:37:00.002-05:00

The Great Escape, 2.27.10

2010-03-01T16:16:00.001-05:00

February 17th

2010-02-17T06:54:00.004-05:00

I am sadly ignoring my showshoes in favor of going to work. Boo.

Sunday morning

2009-11-22T10:13:00.001-05:00

(11.22.09)

One of my piles

2009-11-22T10:12:00.000-05:00

(11.21.09)

Sometime around 8:00

2009-11-20T22:02:00.002-05:00

(11.20.09)

Oats

2009-11-20T22:01:00.000-05:00

(11.19.09)

November 18th

2009-11-20T22:00:00.000-05:00

(11.18.09)

Kitteh

2009-11-20T21:59:00.002-05:00

(11.17.09)

Monday, again

2009-11-20T21:58:00.001-05:00

(11.16.09)

Sunday. Frosty.

2009-11-20T21:55:00.001-05:00

(11.15.09)

Birthday breakfast

2009-11-20T21:49:00.002-05:00

(11.14.09)