It wasn't the worst day, but it wasn't the best, either. I began the day with a good attitude, and someone in the office even commented, "Hey, I haven't seen you smile like that in a long time!" But somehow, the deeper I dug into the day, the more I had the thought that it wasn't going anywhere good.
But. I tried to let go of that expectation, that decision, really. And I embraced the moment, the emotional space. I am stressed, and anxious. I don't have to be; this is only work. What do I need to do to walk away from this feeling? What can I get done today?
I worked at holding the even keel. When I got a headache, I ate lunch. And I felt better. When I needed to walk away, I did. When I needed to stop and just breathe, I did. When I realized that the buzz of people's phone calls and student meetings was making it difficult to focus, I listened to music.
I could have done better. I'm honestly surprised, and a bit sad, about how hard it really was. But I think I know what that teaches me. I have some decisions to make, clearly.
It's not as dire as it might sound....and the day did improve. It took a bit longer than I would have liked to shake off the funk, and that may have had something to do with my plan to get some work done after Charlotte went to bed. But we had dinner, just the two of us, and chatted about our day, and about her friends and other things (why does she suddenly have questions about fur coats??). We played a game...and then the bedtime ritual, with stories and kisses and even more questions and I-love-yous.
I padded downstairs, barefoot, and got a glass of water and the work laptop. I sat down to work....and the universe interfered. Between the slow connection and my crappy work Dell, I was just spinning my wheels. For a fraction of a second I got frustrated, until I sat for a minute and listened to the message.
I bagged the whole thing, put it all away, and opened a beer.
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